Ok I still haven't read the chapter of the book. Honestly though its not really my fault, have not felt well, grandma had a seizure and I cut my finger with an Ax causing me to have to get a tetanus shot, OMG Tetanus is scary. I am so glad Charlotte convinced me to go and get the shot. Though I am dealing with a really sore arm, its nothing to the pain of what could have happen. Oy! life is strange.

OK, I confess I haven't read the first chapter yet. I just, I don't feel good today. So lets hope it can start tomorrow.

:)

That is the title to the book that a Manager gave me when I was working at Safeway. When all that horrible shit was going down with that horrible horrible person. Well I never read it then cause it never accrued to me to really care enough. Now I just found it. I just finished reading the introduction to it. Which caught me off guard at first. I mean, I knew Chad was a christian just not that big of one and the beginning of this book was full of bible quotes. It makes me not want to read it. But I feel like I need to. Not for the reason it was given to me but for more complex reasons of things that happened before that.
The book speaks of how it takes 21 days to start or brake a habit, if you can go three weeks getting up at 6 taking a shower and brushing your teeth, on time every day for the three weeks then it should become a routine. So the book is set up in 21 chapters with 3 sections. You are suppose to read and fallow what it says for that day/chapter. Do this and you will be able to reset your mind and get over and deal with your past that seems to be hurting your future/presence.
I have decided to keep track at the end of every day after waking up (Hopefully at 7 am to start my days off right.) and reading that chapter, trying to do what it is supposedly teaching. Maybe I will become a healthier person for this and with that simply be able to move on, or I could actually find help from it with in and be able to move on, or I could simply laugh at the end and tell everyone not to buy this book. We will simply have to see how it goes.

Thanks for reading.

So today the room got cleaned out enough to put the beds up. But yet we still do not get to sleep in them and are still in the van....It sucks. But with Charlotte things that really suck, dont suck to much.

My mom is the strangest of all the animals in the world. Her personality and her ability to forget her own horrible past but hold tight and make up stories on others is simply fascinated. And then there is the Cunt or Cousin Cindy who seems to be a self centered child who cares not for her own children.

Honestly I simply wish I am to never become like either of them.

Things are really weird right now.


So there is this show on tv.... The relationship between the main characters remind me so much of me and one of my sisters...The only problem is that I keep relating to the character that would be my sister..... I feel so bad for the things I have done. I know I would go back and change them if I could, the problem is I cant.

I know the past can never be forgotten and I know that with time they can be changed with in a mind....

I just wish that, that, I dont know it could all be forgotten, but I do not believe one can Forgive and Forget and I am just happy to have been forgiven. Honestly I wouldn't have forgiven myself, I still have not.

Perhaps I never will, but since I cant forgive, can other people truly?

There is so much going on I dont even know where to start.

Lets start with the way I am feeling. Life is just pointless, hopeless. Sometimes I just feel so lifeless. Perhaps there is truly just no hope, no light at the end of this ever so long tunnel. I mean really I use to believe this one thing true and that was this.
"If you are still breathing then your life mission is not over with."

But what if you feel totaly lifeless and dead inside does that still count?

No wait this is all just stupid things talking but still I cant deny that I feel this way.


On to other stuff....

We moved from the house. Sad but true, god how I hate moving. I never want to do it again. Right now we are camped out side Amanda's house in the van. I love the van. Me and Charlotte are doing great together which is really nice because well. I missed being her friend for a long time.

We arent quiet sure where we are going next or what we are going to do. I know we are going to be going back to Eastern Oregon for a while to stay with Kim which will be interesting.

I found out that Thelma Gish passed away last October.

I know that she was my father's mother and that I never really got to know her. But still I feel a sorta of sadness. When I was in the 7th grade I got a hold of her number and we did talk for a while on the phone for a couple of months and it was nice. I would never go as far as calling her grandma or holding her in the same boat that I hold my Grandma Jane. But still I feel so sad, i dont know why.

Mary Gish, my umm no not my. I have 2.5 sisters. (I only count Jessica half the time) I honestly dont need any more. So I guess what I am trying to say is Mary, Thomas Gish's daughter wants to get to know. I am unsure how I feel about that or if I honestly want to get to know her. It would really just be weird. But I did see a picture of her, its kinda like me but with out the freckles which is funny.

I am not really sure how I feel about any of the Gish family other then the one person that I did kinda know died and that makes me just feel weird and sad.

But I think Charlotte really wants to go to bed and the dogs are barking.

I will probably write more later I think.

Yeap we have moved out of the house and am now setting in a hotel...Hotel 6 actually...Its cool...there is a pool...Me and Charlotte spent forever in. Things are nice.

It wont belong now. I am 21 and will be going on my first real adventrue. How much fun is that. But at what costs is this costing me? Nothing really, its not truly by choice though something me and my sister has longed to do.
My grandmother has desided to move in with my eldest sister. Taking me out of the picture as her caregiver. I have to admit, I feel extreamly nakied with out that title. I dont know whats worse my grandman or myself.

We will be out of this house in a couple of months it seems like. The aspect of truly being homeless scares and yet thrills me. No one really seems to mind though that it is happening to me and Charlotte. but we are both old enough that it shouldnt really matter.

I am so sad and this only adds to it. I wonder what I did wrong. What I could have done better. Is it really my fault. I know the awnser to all thoughs questions and the awnser is yes.


Oh honestly I dont feel like writing this now, nor do I feel like fixing my spelling mistakes so suffer.

Its horrible to have to live day in day out. This over powering since of madness and chaos that joints together causing this horrible unrealistic sadness. This horrible pain deep down where you just know nothing will ever change, nothing will ever get better.

How does someone live on when feeling like this?

Yes I have been through the suicide pervtion training. I listen to all the reasons they give someone to keep living, Hell I have used the reason on others. But in the end, how do you talk yourself out of suicide.


Honestly sometimes I just dont know anymore, nor do I really care.

OMG I didnt cheat at all, this is funny.

Today me and my mother went and got my grandma from the hospital. She is doing better the few hours she has been home, then the two days she was in the hospital. Sad but true. Well after a lot of shit happend at the hospital I do not want to talk about as it will only get me upset again and I do not feel like being such ways.
So I go to get the car to pick my mom and grandma up at the entrence and when I go I see two people standing rigt by a "No smoking" Sign. What where they doing? They where smoking...OMG. So me being in the foul mood I was in called security and had it not been that my mother and grandmother was waiting I would have stopped and made idle converstation untill they arrived.
As is I went and got the car and pulled it down to the place my mom and grandma waited. Well damn it, there they went in side and right after they walked through the door the secureity gaurd drove by. I was pissed about alot of things. I parked the car turned on the emergency lights and left my purse on the seat, the keys in, the car on, doors unlocked. I marched, stomped right in there, past my mother wheeling my grandmother out, told her I would be right with her an approched the couple.
"Excuse me" I shouted right behind them. They turned. "The big Red sign you where," Perhaps my voice raised quiet abit, I wouldnt dout it. They tried to stopped me. "Sence you are apperntly unable to read I thought I would come in and tell you the sign said No Smoking." A great group of people had stopped and watced the enter action. It was right in front of the information statyon. After telling them that simple thing I turned. They began to tell me someone else was there smoking aswell. I simple raised my right hand as I walked away and said. "Goodbye," They still tried to speak, I said."Goodbye." Yet again.
I went out and helped my grandmother to the care my body still shaking with a bit of anger. As I had gotten her in and was walking about the car the loud speaker for OHSU chimmed on. It is not very often they use it, actually in all the years I have gone there I had only hear it once or twice. Well it them reminding people that it was a non smoking hospital and it was strickly inforced. I could not help but laugh.

Its not that life is hard, or choices are tough to make. No one is actually delt a bad hand, There is no losing card in the game of life, because in real life there is no losing card. Things mimic eachother. Life is but that of a ride and you have to know how fast to go and what roads to take. You can take a wrong road and have a horrible expiernce and chalk it up to life lessons. But the real part about life is looking at admiting that what you did was wrong, Its because perhaps I admit to more then my share that life keeps closing doors and leaving me in rooms with painted shut windows. Or perhaps I am confessing to the wrong, wrongs and this is my punishment for it all. Honestly I dont know. Honestly I dont want to know.

What makes one volunteer lies over the truth? To be more willing to spew a line of shit longer and harder then any thought possible. Even if while telling they already begin to forget what they once said. What makes them think that lieing is better then telling it as is. What is so scary about the truth, whats so thrilling about lieing in that matter. Why do some people feel they need to expand on something so spill or make their little life seem more exiting then it truly is? Why can I stop? Even when there is nothing at all to lie about, why do I feel the need to? Why can I just tell it as it is?

I need to be more honest with myself, with the world.
Truth serum.

Its one the the strangest realizations in the world to look at people I had known and still do know. Seeing them getting married, starting families. What the hell? When did this all happen? When did we all fall in to this age where this is the norm? Should I be worried that I am falling behind all of them and that I need to try and catch up? I feel like I am getting whip lash from dashing at the before and after pictures.

Mainly where did the time go?

Well what am I? I guess I am a young white female, living with her family. Trying to go to college so that someday I will have a degree. Taking care of everyone that needs me. But the stress of it all is just so much. There's always an emergancy room vist, doctor's appointment, or just something that is needed of me. Do not get me wrong I am fine with it, I like being the dependable person, I like being the one people come to. I dont know why I then seem to get cranky or worked up over any little thing, Its like I want the responsiblitie, I just dont want the stress that comes with it, but you cant have it that way. Where there is responsiblitie there is stress. I just need to learn to contorle myself better. Its just the damage I am doing in the mean time while I try to learn how to be more patiant and practice better communication. I just know that in the transition things will be lost. Also I would love some help, but I guess if you fight for something(even if you dont relize you are fighting of it.) the person that you took it away from will show no help. I didnt relize this, I didnt know that it all had to fall on one person. But I guess I have relized it now and can take controle of the issue and deal with it. I just dont know how long it will take to learn not to show how compltly hopeless and lost I feel, how I need to check in my emotions so that they wont show. Perhaps I should just become numb it seems to have worked for someone else I know. Perhaps if I can just do that, shut off everything and simple focus on others and my school work I can make it through this all and survive with no real scars to myself. I guess I really just need more time to think.

You all suck, you are a horrible town and deserve to be destroyed, if I could I would take and pour gas and oil upon the bitch who fucking pissed me off to no extent tonight and caused me to want to claw her fucking eyes out. She is the reason ugly people should be locked up. She is the kind of person who makes me sick. A rude cunt who is the reason abortions should be legal.

And then, and then to not my own fucking sister stand up for me, to have my back. What the fuck. What the fuck, What the fuck, what kind of fucking world am I living in that this happens? Huh? I am a good fucking person and then all this shit.


Its a good thing I dont have a gun, or I would be no more.

How strange it is to realize that a mothers love is not forever. People say that there is nothing stronger then a mothers love. I am no longer sure if its true. If ones mother can turn her back so suddenly upon her children then how strong can a mothers love be, and can it actually only be for 25 years? these things I am so unsure of. But still I wager on. I don't believe that even time can touch this pain that is now deep with in me. Having your own mother dout your love and in turn deny you hers? Perhaps I don't have a mother, only a bitch that cast's her shadow.

It seems that memories have a nack of hitting you over the head when you leased expect it. Take for example setting in a quite front room. No noise but the ticking of the clock and your own breath. You start to realize how much the world around you has changed and how you long for your childish youth to return once more. But it never does, does it.
One thing about my youth I will always remember is riding in the back seat of the car, my Grandmother and Great Grandmother setting in the front seats. The songs of there childhood would linger in the air and in my heart forever, on my my favs will always be.

Smile a while you kiss me sad adieu. When the clouds go by I'll come to you. Then the sky will seem more blue, down in lovers lane with you. Wedding bells will ring so merrily. Every tear will be a memory. So wait and pray each night for me : Till We meet again.

I love this song.

OMG, This link is horrifyin. Its so wierd.

http://configure.us.dell.com/dellstore/config.aspx?c=us&cs=19&l=en&oc=DNDWPA7&s=dhs&fb=1

Its wierd to make promises to yourself, but here it goes. My promise. Well I want to be me again. I am not a liar, I am not a fake. I cry and its alright. Its alright to be me and I am a great beautiful, wonderful, smart intellegent person. There is no need for me to be fake or lie to anyone about anything.
Another thing, I vow to do well this term, I have to. no matter what it takes I will do it.

My new song is by Art of Dying, I cant even find the song, I have the lyrics though but god I love this song.

Art of Dying Die Trying Lyrics

I think its time for me to go now,
I’ve done more harm than good
If I could change how this turned out
Yeah
You know that I would

PRE-CHORUS
Sometimes the weight is more than I can hold,
I’d rather fail than not know

CHORUS
If it takes forever,
I will die trying
If it takes forever,
I will die trying
I will die trying

VERSE 2
I wish I knew then what I know now,
I’d probably do the same
Yeah
I get the feeling it’s planned out,
From the cradle to the grave

PRE-CHORUS
Sometimes the weight is more than I can hold,
I’d rather fail than never really know

CHORUS
If it takes forever,
I will die trying
If it takes forever,
I will die trying
I will die trying

BRIDGE
I am digging a hole,
I am taking it all
I am digging a hole,
To bury my soul
I am digging

CHORUS
If it takes forever,
I will die trying [x3]
If it takes forever
I will die trying 'forever' [x2]
I will die trying.

Tonight marked the beginning of a term, how fun and exiting right. Well, I know that its the dawning of a new day the sun is brighter and things seem to just fit in to place. There is nothing I want more then to freeze dry these moments and keep them forever in my pocket.
Well for a quick reference to the title, As mentioned tonight started winter term and our(my sister Charlotte and I) first class, which is math is out in Wood burn Oregon, The director of the Wood burn campus is a sweetheart and I totally want to take Salsa Dance Lessons from him. Well tonight being the first night and all he was helping people find where they needed to be going and just over all being a sweet guy. Charlotte and I had to go have the book we where using photo copied and on our way back to the elevator, We saw him for maybe the 3rd time that night, he was switching back and forth greeting people in English and Spanish (he was of the Spanish descent) He then went to give Charlotte and I a farewell, but he forgot to switch in to English. As soon as we jumped on the elevator I busted out laugh, Charlotte was able to keep cool and even said thanks to him. All I could do was try not to laugh. Looking at Charlotte I whispered when we where on the elevator "He forgot to switch langues". It was a fun night.